I realized that the last question was somewhat short, or the answer was, at least. Even tho’ I should go to bed now (my cat isn’t complaining, for once), I have a couple of examples for question 6 that are applicable to my work here.

6. Every day write on events that happened that caused strong feelings Today and from the Past. Write about the circumstances leading up to the event, the event itself, and the consequences arising from the event, be they good or bad.
1)    My son, Rob, was laid off from his job this week due to “corporate re-structuring”. He called me because he was feeling a bit down over this turn of events and wanted to talk with me for a while. We spent over 3/4 of an hour chatting about work and how he felt about his layoff, the weather, my recovery, and about Bernie.
       We talked about her growing up, from my limited viewpoint. Some of the stories about where she came from and the demons that she had to face as an adult, as a woman, as a mother, and a wife were touched upon. Rob said that he’d like to sit down with me and hear more about her, since most of the stuff I related he never knew about Bernie.
       I later realized that I very rarely talked about Bernie to my kids. Rob’s statement of not knowing things about her prodded that realization in me. I believe that I held my tongue about her not to protect my children, but to avoid the pain inside of ME. I didn’t want to dredge up those feelings of inadequacy or guilt about Bernie and her death. I didn’t want to bring that kind of insanity into my life. Thinking of it now, it really didn’t matter. I, alone, did quite well in creating and living in that insanity all by myself.

2)    I mentioned in a previous post about sending an email to an old friend of mine. This woman was a long-ago love of my life, way back in my teen years, if not longer. I doubt that I ever told her about that unless it was in some drugged stupor that has left my memories broken. I bring this up because she sent me a picture of herself and her three sisters in an email today. Outside of the fact that time really hadn’t changed how they look, seeing those four beautiful ladies together brought back those long gone feelings. For one in particular, and each of them on their own.
       I knew when I looked (stared??) at that that image on my computer screen that the reason I kept my distance from them was due to an illogical fear of being untruthful to Bernie, cheating, if you will. Ignoring that fact that Bernie was not here, that they all had lives of their own, that I had remarried & divorced after Bernie’s departure… ignoring the idiocy of all that, once more, I was in avoidance mode.
       Instead of dealing with past emotions, I allowed myself to give Bernie far too much sway in my life, even when she is no longer in it. Avoidance is a large part of my psyche, my addiction, hm? In this case, I have allowed myself to avoid a possible renewal of friendship with some very very good people, avoid dealing with how I feel about Bernie in those many aspects that cause pain, …shit, avoid feeling.

I just recognized something here. I may just need to look at, examine, deal with, that past I had with these women. Even tho’ it is a self-perceived past. Heck, I mean when by just looking at a single picture can dredge up things I thought resolved… hehe, I am such a sick laddie, aye??

Keep The Faith*