Hope & Inspiration

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Dec 032011

After listening to the speaker at tonight’s meeting, I realized that one of the reasons I went there was to try and gather some more Hope to apply to life & recovery today. I came away from that meeting with a healthy dose of that Hope, and, oh my gosh! Inspiration, too!!

The addict who spoke is someone that I have known for almost all my time here in this journey of recovery. I watched him go on a nasty relapse back in the 90′s. I watched as he came back to us, brow-beaten and angry. I watched as he rediscovered the wonder and joy that recovery can offer. I listened tonight as he told me all about that… and just where he is today.

Martin (yeah, I can name him ’cause I ain’t gonna use his last name or initial) came up to me before the meeting started and gave me a hug. That all by itself gave me a bit of hope. I mean, he is someone who I have admired and respected for many years now, for his recovery and simply for who he is. For him to come to me and say “Hi!” let me know hat I am in the right place and doing the right thing. The first right thing, not the next. At the end of his story, he shared a poem. I can’t remember the style of it, even tho’ he said what it was (Urban Poetry? Guerilla Poetry??) Whatever, it was the thing that gave me inspiration.

It offered me a possible way out of the blackness that seems to surround me. That poem told me that I can stop looking at the world outside of me. I can ignore the insanity that roils and boils inside of me. I can forget the trials of guilt I place on me, on my soul. I can go outside and deep inside of me and   FIND   that soul of mine. Because that is what is lost.

ME  –  My drive. My desire. My passion. My soul.  –  ME

I’m putting all this here because I don’t want to forget this feeling of positive I have right now. It is too damned easy for me to let go of the good things I discover dingle-ding and here there. Fuck the negative. Fuck it all. I cannot do a good gawd dang about any of that shit. I need to take that nugget of my recovery and expand it to envelope me in a glow.

I Am CLEAN! No more saying it. I need to DO it! I need to share it! I need to give the thing away if I have any hopes of keeping it! I Am CLEAN!!! Somewhere in there is my soul. I just need to find it, grab hold of it, and set it free again.

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 23:01 Tagged with: , ,

Always Remember. Never Forget.

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Nov 142011

That is a phrase I have used often to remember the family Cottage. A place of comfort and refuge for myself in times of uncertainty or confusion. I need to remember the Cottage for what it gave me and still does in my memories.

With this 20th anniversary of Bernie’s death almost done, I need to Always Remember and Never Forget her. Always remember what she gave me… three wonderful and amazing children, love and support, Recovery, even!! Never Forget all that she gave up… her own Recovery and the people who made it (make it!!) so great, those three beautiful kids and myself, and, yes, that very same love and support of all who knew her.

I went to a meeting tonight. It must be more than 15 years since I’ve gone to this particular meeting. I went there solely to see one person. Someone who knew me so very long ago, someone who also knew Bernie. I went there to make sure that I was in the right place, to make sure that I was doing the right thing in my recovery today, to find hope!

I found that person. I talked to her and shared about why I was there on this rainy Monday. She had something going on in her life that my words touched and she cried a bit. I felt some fear, like, “OMG!! What have I done??!!” But, it wasn’t me. It was just life. I did what I needed to do. The consequence of my action was an opening of mind and spirit, for me and for her. I found my Hope.

This tremendous woman gave me hope and courage that I am truly doing all that is right for me today, just by her being there tonight. As well, by giving of herself to my dilemma and helping me to Remember why I am here. I am forever grateful for that. I picked up a white keytag tonight in honor of Bernie’s memory and help me to Never Forget.

I also talked to my son on the phone just before I went off to that meeting. We talked about life in general, about suicide, about why we are still here today. We remembered together what it is to be alive, and to Never Forget those who helped us to be who we are. My daughter posted a simple message of  “I love you! :) ” on my FB wall, which in those three words offered me even greater hope for my Recovery than all that I was given at the meeting tonight.

Aye, this too shall pass. In its own time, in its own way. Recovery has proven itself to me once more. Do what needs doing ad let the rest be. My Gratitude List has expanded from that single item of “I am CLEAN!!” (not sober… hehe), to add on Hope, Courage, and Faith. oh yeah, and Gratitude, too…

The Serenity Prayer

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 22:57 Tagged with: , , , ,

Tomorrow Comes Too Soon

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Feb 142005

.. And with tomorrow, another war within myself over my fears.
.. My first laser treatment of those diabetes damaged eyes o’ mine begins tomorrow. My mind creates those horrid images of failure, and pain, blindness.

- – - –
“Oops! The laser slipped! Soory about that. The scar shouldn’t be too noticeable in about six months to a year, and you’ll have a bit of trouble talking for a while.”
- – - –
“Damn! The laser wasn’t supposed to melt that new lens in your right eye. Oh well, you’ve still got your left (you DID say that you haven’t had cataract surgery on your left eye, right??).
- – - -
“Nurse! Stop the flow of blood from the rear of the patient’s head!. It appears that the laser drilled right through his skull!”
- – - -
“Well, Mr. Simpson, I did tell you of the possible discomfort after surgery. Don’t worry about the yellow-green fluid oozing from your eyes. Besides, you signed a waiver absolving us of any liability.”
- – - –

.. And so on and so forth… .It just doesn’t end. All I need to do is to go thru with the procedure and have faith that I’ll survive intact. Like what I had to do with the cataract surgery. When that was done, it was like, “What? It’s over? That’s it??!!”.
.. Tonite, I go to bed early. No freaking 0400 again! The ops to go down at 1410, but I need ta sleep and be rested for this thing.
.. I’m glad that this isn’t gonna mess up my diabetic routine like that cataract shit did. No insulin in the morning, no food, (mind you, I did get a Timmy’s coffee…… mmmmm, c o f f e e e e e ), blood test every 10 minutes, IV drips, . . . eeee-yuk! Whatta chore! But, all that ended on a good and fine note.
.. So, Faith. Trust. Hope. Prayer. etcetcetc……….

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 20:52 Tagged with: , , ,
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