…different struggles.

I do try my best most times to follow that version of the Serenity Prayer. Tolerance, tho’, sometimes comes at short premium with me. Take tonight, for instance.

I was at my HG. We had our business meeting, something that became very formal in its motions and seconders and voting, etc. Consistent self-identification, even tho’ we have all known each other for quite some time. All that was a bit much for me, but tolerable, hm? Anyway, we began the meeting, even tho’ I was somewhat disappointed to see two of our group members get their newspapers out and begin to read. We lead off with our, what I consider to be very important, readings. I got to read the Traditions. I like to read that one at my HG because we read the whole thing, and not solely the Traditions. As with all the readings we do at our meetings in my Area, I need to hear them to learn them, to understand them, to use them in my life and recovery.

Well, I got through reading most of the Traditions themselves when I had to stop. One of the people who had begun the meeting reading the paper had been yakking while the other readings were going on and it came to a head when whatever was said produced a mass of giggling during my turn. I stopped, turned to look at the members involved and asked if I missed something. I said that I was pretty sure that what I had just read wasn’t all that funny and could they let me in on the joke. I got a semi-contrite apology from one and a “nothing funny” from another. I continued on.

I was almost done the second page when two other addicts across from me had gotten into a whisper fest and once more, an outpouring of giggling was evoked. I simply could not finish the very last sentence, which simply seemed to be contradictory to the unity talked about in this reading.

“It is only through understanding and application that they work.”

I saw disunity happening around me. I saw self-centeredness and disregard to others at the meeting. Disregard to me and MY recovery. I took that as an affront to what I was trying to do there, what I attempt to do at every meeting I attend. Get some recovery and give some recovery. To help myself by helping others. The talking and whispering and laughing while the readings were being done was just too much for me to take, even when I had made a roundabout expression of displeasure at it all earlier. I threw the reading on the floor, and said that if this was the way this meeting was going to be run, everyone there was welcome to it. And I left.

I know that there was probably a far better way for me to deal with the whole situation. At that point, I was simply pissed off and knew that if I stayed — in that frame of mind — I would really fly off the handle. My best action for the moment was to remove myself from the place. As I waited for the bus to come, I reviewed what went down, how I reacted, the reasons for that reaction, and various different scenarios in how I could have better dealt with it all.

That exercise ended when I realized what was done was done. I did what I thought was best. End of story. No amends need doing, as my action was what would be good for the group, and for me. I caught my bus and came home.

I do, however, need to make a form of reparation to the group. During the business meeting, I offered to carry a literature order and Area contribution to the Area meeting on Sunday. By not staying, I did not collect the money for this. I’ll make the order and contribution out of pocket. It’s not like I won’t be reimbursed for that. I just need to do that much since I made the offer to carry it thru. I’ll be at that meeting anyway as chair of the PR committee.

So. It’s one in the morning and I do need to go to bed. Still lots to do tomorrow (today!) and it’d be nice to get some sleep. Yes, I am sleeping recently. I’ve been getting up early to retrieve my paper and have been keeping myself up instead of sleeping in to the afternoon. Thus, by gosh, I am tired. Might as well take advantage of it!!

Keep The Faith*