I Am Powerless. It has been a very long time to come to such a realization. To have spent the last few hours in bed, squirming and crying and trying to forget, and then having that ephemeral epiphany of being powerless.
I Am Powerless. It has been more than twenty years since Bernie’s death, and in five days it will be her birthday. And mine. She would have been fifty years of age on the 14th of April, something I find hard to imagine. I will be twenty years clean on the 14th of April, something I find hard to comprehend at times.
I Am Powerless. Even tho’ I have worked the Steps a few times on her death, it is only tonight that I find the truth about why those old memories, those old images and actions, still cause me to feel absolutely horrid. Tonight I began reviewing the Steps, to see where the answer may lie. All this whilst tossing and turning in bed. And bugging the heck out of my cat.
I Am Powerless. That simple phrase hit me like a bolt of lightening as I recited Step One:
“We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Only I said it a bit differently:
“I admit that I am powerless over Bernie’s death, that my life has become unmanageable.”
I Am Powerless. There isn’t anything that I can do about her death today. There wasn’t anything that I could do about it twenty years ago. THAT is why I haven’t been able to let it go, let it leave me and not become part of the insanity I dive into. I could not, can not, admit that I had, have, absolutely no control over what went down that frightening night in November of 1991.
I Am Powerless. I believe that I need to work a thorough and deeply rooted Step One on this. Again. Using the Step as I modified it above. I have done it before, but I think that those other times I glossed over the Step. I’m an addict in recovery. I have that Step One down. Right? Well, perhaps in a recovery from addiction sense. I’ve almost got twenty years, so maybe I have the first Step in hand, insofar as addiction goes. But…
I Am Powerless. Over Bernie, over her death, over the days following her passing, over what I did or didn’t do. I need to relive it, admit it, deal with it, let it go. I Am Powerless.
Keep The Faith*
) for some reason, I tend to get reprimanded because I didn’t do this or that thing in my service. Sorta like in days gone by where I’d post a problem on a recovery message board and if I forgot to mention, what?, let’s say “God”, in my post, I’d get replies pointing out that overly glaring omission.