Step One, Question 6, Part 2

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Apr 302012

6. Every day write on events that happened that caused strong feelings Today and from the Past. Write about the circumstances leading up to the event, the event itself, and the consequences arising from the event, be they good or bad.
3)    Back in October & November of last year, I had a repeat of a rather (in MY opinion) psychotic episode that happened to me almost ten years ago. I will not get into the gory details of the thing itself, since that is something that I would only reveal to my sponsor and not the general public. Sorry, folks…
       The upshot of it were visions or hallucinations, days of no sleep, confusion, and fear. It all centered around Bernie. I was expecting a downturn at that time, since it was the anniversary of her death, her suicide. The 20th anniversary, in fact. Because of that anniversary and that it is a truly dreary time of year, I tend to go downward somewhat and have since her passing. In recent years, I have been able to recognize the onset of these, what? depressions? and be able to compensate to the point of simply shrugging and feeling a bit blue.
       This time around I crashed and almost burned. I honestly believe that it was my recovery service work that helped drag me out of that chaos. I was able to bring myself out of myself and look to giving back to others. Addicts in recovery, sponsees, in online chat, my family… those people helped me to stop focusing on the craziness inside, stop feeding on the insanity, and clear the fog that had accumulated. Service work has brought me to what I am doing right now, because it allowed me to think and see more clearly, and recognize what I need to do to change.
       From a major negative came an equally major positive. I learned that all I need to do is DO something that doesn’t involve any great sort of introspection. By helping others, I was (am!) able to get out of my head long enough to begin to see life distinctly again, thus begin to think with a greater clarity.
       I only mention this because of the “spiritual awakening” I had from it all. I slid down into the depths, only to find a tried and true way to climb back up. THIS is something that can help me at anytime. I think it is one of the big reasons why I enjoyed doing telephone CSR work. By focusing on someone else’s issues, I can ease my own. And it just feels so damned good to help!! I guess that is why we folks in my brand of recovery have words that say “we keep what we have only by giving it away” (BTv6pg58)

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 04:20 Tagged with: , ,

Am I In The Right Place?

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Oct 262011

I’ve been following the possible creation of a new service structure in the USofA. There is great talk of a “disconnect” between the United States Fellowship and NA World Services. They are feeling like they are being left out of the loop due to NAWS and their vision of spreading NA to the entire planet. Mismanagement of funds, lack of group conscience, a corporate power base as opposed to self-less service… these and many other views are helping to spread this message of needed change in NA Service. In the US, at least.

With the amount of reading that I have done about this whole movement, I’ve come to understand some of the reasons for discontent. I have seen the changes that our World Services has carried out, sometimes without member or group input. Our service structure has been eroded thru the implementation of rules and regulations that are more suited for a board room, not a Fellowship.

Still, I work within the structure of service in my Area, my Group, to try and ensure that we do not become the corporate entity that the nay-sayers in the US are espousing about our World Services. I am a part of service because it was and is one of things that has helped to keep me clean for so long. I give from within, because for so long I took from without and I need to be a part of today.

What is truly troubling to me, personally, are a couple of recurrent themes in the offerings of those who support this call for change. One of those is the “need to bring God back into our way of doing Service”. Continually, and this may be because many of the pro voices in this business are long-timers who got recovery first thru AA, it appears to me that the god that I understand is not the God that they talk about. “Divine Will”, “The Spirit”, “our Creator”, are just a few of the phrases written and spoken that are pushed as the main guidance we need to do “what needs to be done”. I get the feeling that my understanding of a loving god is not right. Even tho’ NA supposedly allows me to find that higher power on my own, I would not have the right to be a part of a group conscience or even service because my higher power is not my “Creator” nor that which brought this world and us into existence. I am a human being, trying to have spiritual experiences in life today. That spirit lies within me, solely. It is what I believe in. Am I wrong?

The second issue I have is the very very strong sentiment that NA has fallen to the wayside by allowing addicts to use medications, any type of medications. Meaning, if you are depressed or suicidal, the 12 Steps and God Almighty can save you. Screw the fact that a medication may be beneficial. Meaning, if you go into the hospital for surgery, God Almighty and the 12 Steps will help ease any pain you may have. Screw the fact that pain killers may make your life clearer and easier to get thru. Complete and TOTAL abstinence. Yes, in our reading, “How It Works”, the last sentence states, “We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.” Perhaps I am mistaken, perhaps I do not have the clean time I thought I have, perhaps my belief that (for me) medication may be a part of my life and I am no longer worthy to say, “Just For Today, I am CLEAN!!”

I don’t believe in a God that is the Creator of heaven and earth, and subsequently me. I don’t believe in TOTAL abstinence from all drugs. I do believe in a loving god who cares about me and wants to help me in every way possible. I do believe that if I am great physical pain, that medication may just save my life. I guess that the years that I thought that I was a part of NA, I wasn’t, and am not.

Well, jeepers, I guess that I am a lie. Heck, I drink coffee (caffeine). I smoke cigarettes (nicotine). I take pills for my blood and cholesterol and kidney functions. I take insulin, for crying out loud, to help control my diabetes! (google “insulin reaction symptoms“). I am a walking lie for the reading “What Is The Narcotics Anonymous Program?” and “How It Works”. I stand as proof that even with the many times I have written the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, I never even got Step One… let alone the other eleven Steps. I suppose all I have is Tradition Three. Which isn’t all that much, since it is obvious that “The only thing we ask of our members is that they have this desire. Without it they are doomed, but with it miracles will happen.”, and I suppose the miracle just never came my way. My, my, so sad…

Well, I’m off!! I have some PI paperwork to gather and sort thru for a commitment this Friday. Don’t tell no one that I am a walking falsehood about Recovery in NA, eh? Sure would hate to tarnish my halo of selfless service that I maintain! ciao…

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 13:38 Tagged with: , , ,

The "Service" Bug

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May 052011

There are times when it does bug me. I do the best that I can in service. And when I can’t do something, that’s OK with me today. That wasn’t the case in years gone by. Then, I tried to do it all. Help the addict, help the group, help the committee… ad nauseum. As I have mentioned a few times previously, I canna do it all. So I do what I do and enjoy life.

But, (dincha know there was gonna be a “but” in here? :) ) for some reason, I tend to get reprimanded because I didn’t do this or that thing in my service. Sorta like in days gone by where I’d post a problem on a recovery message board and if I forgot to mention, what?, let’s say “God”, in my post, I’d get replies pointing out that overly glaring omission.

It sometimes gets boring when I am told that I shouldna done this or I shoulda done that (I’ll leave out the other thing that coulda been done). blahblahblah. Well, hey, t’is a fine and wonderful thing that I am able to write about things like this in my Blogg. Even tho’ I can readily let things go when they hit me, sometimes I do tend to hang onto garbage. Aye-yup, I try to do this, and that, and sometimes the other thing, too, in my service to recovery. I s’pose my best bet is that fine phrase used by Forrest Gump’s mama — “Stupid is as stupid does” — simply replacing the word “stupid” with whoever’s name, including my own.

Hm, that was somewhat cathartic, dumping this shite here. I wrote far less than I expected, only because once I started, I almost immediately began to feel better. Also came to the realization that I needed to “Paint The Wall” (ie. “Let Go”) and turn the thing over. I let it go and turned it over to my Blogg. Here, you take it! hehe…

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 18:02 Tagged with: ,

Come and Gone

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Apr 142011

That’s it, or almost. Another anniversary has come and gone. I stayed clean today. I did some (a lot of!) service. I got to a meeting (and a celebration, to boot!). Went for fellowship afterwards. All in all, a very good day to be in recovery!!

I did a speaking engagement for PR this morning. I met up with a sponsee and had a good chat with him. When I got home after that, I found an email from an addict asking for help, asking for a ride to get to a meeting out in the far west end of town. I gave this addict a phone call and explained that we don’t have “volunteer” rides to help people get to and from meetings, but I would make a couple of calls to other addicts who I know live in the area and see what I could do. I also said that I would go to that particular meeting and if they were able to wangle a ride there, I could guarantee that a ride would be found to get home again.

My home group was tonight. And it is a treat to have one’s anniversary, clean date, on the same night of one’s home group. But, I forewent my group to do that one thing I know is far better than me getting my black keytag at my home group on my clean date. To try and help a suffering addict, and this addict was truly in pain. My phone calls went for naught, but I was able to talk with a few folks at the meeting, asked for help, and gave my phone number out. I even had one person say that next week, he would be willing to offer this addict a drive to and from.

Oh, and it WAS a celebration of cleantime at this meeting! And, I got to pick up my black tag!! And, I did some good service for all the right reasons!!! I really and truly couldn’t have asked for a better day than today!

Thus, my journey continues. I’m still clean, by gosh! Ain’t that a treat!!??

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 23:59 Tagged with: ,

Doing Service

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Mar 182011

My gosh, but has anything really changed?! It is 0400, and I should really truly go to bed! But, ah yes, BUT!! I have been caught up in doing that great and wonderful thing called Service. Service in NA.

I took on the position of Chair of our local PR subcommittee in January. Mainly because I wanted to keep working in service at a level just a wee bit lower than group or personal. I do say lower, because my belief is that the uppermost level of service an addict can do in my Fellowship is by showing up at the home group, doing service there, sponsorship, Twelfth Step work, and just simply helping other addicts.

I went back to the PR subcommittee because I had heard that they needed someone to maintain the Area website. Since I tend to spend 27-odd hours a day on the computer and have an obsession about websites (not that y’all can tell from Robb’s Place!), I figured Website coordinator would be a perfect fit for me. And it was! I enjoyed it immensely!!

My position on Website came to an end in January, and tho’ I was eligible to re-up for another year, the subcommittee itself had been without a Chair four months. I was a bit leery about stepping forward for Chair, based on my last two stints in a subcommittee Chair position, namely Activities and {{shudder}} Newsletter. But, the PR subcommittee was in need, I was available, and hey, I figured it to be a relatively simple and easy go. uhhhhhhh, yeah…. right……

Bugger of it is the fact that I find it very hard to let things go. My second meeting as Chair, I got a couple of gentle reminders from the other members that I am not alone in this. It’s why we have other addicts there, other members who do certain things that pertain to the position that they took on. I don’t need to do it all by my lonesome. Which is a huge frakking difference from my time in Activities and the Newsletter. I ran too very much alone too very many times in those years. And even tho’ membership is slim in our PR subcommittee, there are people willing to step up.

But, oh dear, yes, there is that danged BUT again!! But, we don’t have a Secretary. And I believe that it is très important that a record (accurate and concise, as our P&G states) of what goes down at a meeting, if only to help keep us from trying to reinvent the wheel down the road. Not that meeting minutes have availed us much over the years I’ve been in service work. That is a whole nuther story! Anyway, the why and wherefore of my being up this late is to get last night’s minutes done up whilst everything was still fresh in my addled mind, along with the horrid notes I took.

Whew!! They got done! Oops! Maybe I should email them out earlier than I have to give folks a chance to review them before the next meeting in April. Oh right, and some members wanted copies of this and that document. Ah, and I thought of a detail that needed looking into. Right, and an update to a flyer for next Area’s meeting! Golly, but wasn’t there also something about this…. and that…. shit, and that other thing, too!!!

Chair? “A relatively simple and easy go”? Silly me! That would only happen if I allow it to happen. But, damn it!! I can’t! Things need doing, fer cryin’ out loud! Now, we need a Phoneline coordinator. I did that stint a few years back. The phoneline is front-line work for NA, imho. Who’s gonna take that call from the still suffering addict, I asks ya??!! Ummmm, me? I need to say NO!! En-Oh, eh. Put it to the local Fellowship that without the coordinator to take care of our phoneline (it’s only an message and answering machine, but…), if there isn’t a coordinator, it just ain’t gonna get done. I Can’t Do It Alone!!

Right, just like I have been to almost every commitment we’ve got for the past many months. Only the one monthly presentation, still… And the bigger one coming this month. And that four day stint in May. And the fact that we need a Commitment coordinator to try and raise up more commitments to get the word of the Fellowship out there. And the Media coordinator to put Public Service Announcements to the press, radio, and tellibision. Shoot, what about our Mailing coordinator to get literature and meeting lists to those who have contact with addicts and the like? And, and, and…… AND…

STFU Robb!!! You simply cannot do it all. It just isn’t all my responsibility, eh. Besides, I am hoping to remember my lessons of the past to avoid burning out in service again. I gol-darned better remember that!! It is good that I am doing what I am doing right now. But, if I crash and burn once more, shit, an addict, one addict, out there might just miss what I can offer and perish. Now, that is a burden I dinna need to consider!

So. My ‘puter clock says 04:45. I done oodles of service in the past 12 hours, including getting to my home group AND going out for fellowship and soup afterwards!

Don’t worry. Be happy.

Keep The Faith*

Posted by robbz at 05:44 Tagged with: ,
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